|I wrote this when I was 17....I found it in an old notebook yesterday.
||[Jul. 22nd, 2005|04:20 pm]
Dark & Edgy Writers Wanted
|||||"I go Wild" ~ Poe...maybe?||]|
I thought this was pretty fucked up and it came from my point of view.
Fear. It's why I look the other way. It's why I become paralyzed in the heat of the moment. When things seem so right, I pause and look around me. That's when things seem all wrong. And I have to run the other way. I can't seem to sit still long enough to see whats going on inside my head. My emotions are in essence like stained glass, blurry from the inside, but beautiful. People see me go crazy. Sex. Drugs. Smoking. Drinking. Being scandalous in general. People see that as beautiful. I see that as starving. Starving for attention. Starving to be beautiful. Funny that. I never really starved. High on acid and shrooms, I chase purple smurfs through the woods. I don't really remember through the haze, but the elf in the woods talked to me. Telling me that I need to grow up. Fuck him. I'm only seventeen years old. I've got years to grow up. Waking up in the arms of her. So strong. Gentle. She never cares. Fucking me and fucking an older version of beautiful. I wanted to be hers forever. But I can't. So I go back to him. Moving from A to B. The glass becoming foggy. The steel breaks through my skin as though I'm a brick being thrown through the plaster. I wake up in the mess, shrug, continuing to be beautiful. I feel the rush of the cocaine through my nostrils, my veins, my brain. My defrost doesn't work anymore. I'm icy and cold. But shivering from the heat. I can't take it anymore. . But I have to. There's no-one I can turn to. It's no longer a blank canvas. Red. Black. Blue. Purple. Nothings bright. All bitter. I scream and push it away. But everyone thinks it's beautiful. I'm on my knees now. He's behind me. Telling me how great I feel. How tight and wet I am. But it's not because of him. It's because of her. The her I want to be and it turns me on. Almost as much as the heroin does. My mouth is dry. My legs are shaky and I turn to the ecstasy. It brings me up. It makes me warm. It makes me love. My family stares as I come down. They don't know what I did last night. That I haven't slept in three days. That I skipped school yesterday to fuck someone I met the night before. But he offered gifts. Gifts in the form of a needle. I promised never to that. But I did. I weakened to be beautiful. To be wanted. My skirt pulled down to my ankles as he fucked me in the bathroom. I never felt his lips. I felt dirty. Used. But I wanted to feel that way. If only for five minutes while he came inside of me. I tell my friends and they think it's beautiful. I don't want to be beautiful anymore.